This is me being vulnerable.

For those of you who have not yet got the memo:I got dumped; like a sack of potatoes. Just so I don’t have to explain it to anyone else, I don’t know what happened. I could tell you my 'theory' on what went wrong, but really, all he told me was that he was too busy and he didn’t want a girlfriend. SURPRISE!!

I’ve been doing really well, except a few tears during the initial break up, I haven’t let myself really get upset about it. I’ve been focusing on God, and assuring myself that He has a plan, and that this is all a crucial part of it. But today, it’s a down day. I’m blaming it on the lack of sleep, but whatever it is, I feel bummed out.

I know that God has a plan for me and that really does help, but it still sucks. I started to feel things, and look forward to things, and really appreciate stuff, and then it’s just gone. It’s really tough when you get to that point, a few days later, and you start thinking about all the good stuff, and how much you miss it. I miss reading the Bible with him, and listening to the iPod, hanging out with his youth kids, and his hugs; he gave really great hugs. That sucks.

It makes me really glad that I’m so busy. I haven’t been at home, by myself one day/evening since ‘the break up’ so I haven’t felt the loneliness yet. Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m not ‘alone’ and that God is always with me, but you can still feel lonely. I’m dreading tonight because I’m going home to clean, by myself. I know it’s gonna turn into a night of lame, emotional, cruddy tears.

You know, my Dad tells me, ‘don’t let anyone see you sad, or upset’ and I think it really does work for him. I also think that there is a good reason for it, because a lot of people get scared by emotion or don’t know how to react when someone’s upset. But for me, sometimes I just need to cry and talk it through, and the only thing that helps is having someone to listen and to give me a really big hug.

I know, me being upset right now, that’s a choice I’m making. I could, and probably should, choose to ignore it, or busy myself so I don’t have to deal with it. But I have to deal with it at some point, don’t I? I’m not saying that I want to sulk around for the next 3 months, but am I entitled to one night to feel sad and angry?

I always try to remind myself, when I start feeling yucky, that I am SO blessed. I have so much more than so many others in the world. And the truth is that most of the people who have nothing, deserve to be blessed more than I do. What do I really have to be sad about? I have a roof over my head, a warm bed to sleep in every night, food in my belly, family and friends who mean the world to me, and God, who loves me more than I can even begin to comprehend. And yet, I still feel sad? Does that make me a bad person? Or worse, does it damage my relationship with the Lord? Maybe it just makes me selfish; I have so much and yet I continue to ask for more.

I don’t know guys (and gals), I just feel sad. Tomorrow is a new day and I trust that it will be a brighter one.